… you’d sing all your little songs that meant everything to me. – Remy Zero

Since my last post in May, I’ve sat down about a dozen times to write a proper post.  Writing has always been my catharsis and preferred medium of relief – I have never been good with the spoken word, and it has been years since I have been able to translate my feelings into music (a topic for discussion for another day).  As of the last few years, however, emotionally earnest writing has been a challenge. The words do not come as easily and honestly as they once did. I’m not sure what to make of it. I’ll chalk it up to aging.

This was an emotionally charged summer. I went through every emotion over the course of three months –  anger, sadness, love, pain, disappointment, frustration, loneliness, emptiness, self-hate, relief, you name it. It all became so overwhelming that I downloaded a notebook app on my phone where every day I would jot down a few words about what I was feeling. The notebook literally cycles from emotion to emotion, like a rollercoaster. It’s frustrating even to read.

It was so frustrating, in fact, that I got tired of myself. I got tired of the sleepless nights, the bouts of crying alone, this level of disgust that I had for myself. People can do and say things to you, but you and only you are ultimately responsible for how you feel and how you digest what has been done. I was tired of myself.

So, over the past two weeks, I’ve assimilated a list of lessons I learned in this life changing summer.

  1. Loving isn’t a weakness. It is a strength. It is a brave thing to do, to open your heart to vulnerability. To open your arms to loving a broken and sad person. No one should ever be judged for “loving the wrong person.” The heart loves what it loves. There is no rhyme or reason.
  2. Live your life for yourself and commit your soul to it – and when people tell you that you didn’t, it doesn’t matter. It does not matter what they try to say about the way you think you feel or why they think you did what you did. You and God know the truth. Everything else is just hearsay.
  3. Anger is the worst thing in this world. The absolute worst thing. It moves as quickly as lightning and strikes just as sharply. Anger can take you from being a hero to villain in a split second. People can say and do things to make you angry, but control is only in your power. It is important to observe cues in you to stop yourself from reacting. You can destroy everything beautiful with anger.
  4. Spirituality is a yearning of the soul. We go through phases of emotional and spiritual growth, and these phases are often a result of challenging times.  I firmly believe that God gives us trials and tribulations to strengthen our faith, enforce our beliefs, and elevate our soul to understanding our purpose and God-realization.
  5. There is nothing more special in life than meaningful connections, and we should live our lives with quality relationships. True friendships last a lifetime and live forever in your heart, even after people are long gone.  Every relationship in your life should empower you, make you faster, stronger, a better version of yourself. Recognize these connections and hold on to them – they will be the lighthouses in your life on your darkest days, in times when you have lost yourself and are fumbling to stay upright.
  6. Positivity is the answer and solution to everything. It allows us to create a positive energy around us, something that we are responsible for dispersing into the world around us. We should be filled with so much positivity that people should feel energized around us – this is God’s love.
  7. And finally, life happens when it’s meant it. It doesn’t matter how much we push and force things. What is meant to be will be – trust in destiny and recognize that despite all our stressing, so much of life is out of our hands.

That’s it.  I learned a lot of lessons this summer. I’m slowly getting back up on feet, looking forward, forgiving people, letting go, but, man, it hasn’t been easy, and I am still struggling everyday.  But. I. Will. Continue. To. Evolve.

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