Letting go has never been easy for me, not since I was a child. I hold on to people, memories, thoughts, feelings so tightly that they become imprinted on my soul… long after people have forgotten about me.
I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to let go. Unfinished business? Words that were never said? I learned many years ago that sometimes we have to find a different type of closure than the one that we crave.
A good friend and I recently had sort of a falling out. We just didn’t connect with the world in a way that we could relate. Despite our nasty dispute, we kept in weak contact for months after. I stayed around as a friend keeping an eye on him to making sure he was ok. It’s not like he needed me. Or cared much for me more than another human being in this world. But I cared. I cared a lot.
Not that caring is bad, but I asked myself why I cared so much about the well-being of someone who could have easily replaced me with anything. It dawned on me recently that this difficulty I have in letting go stemmed from some insecurity of mine. The fear of disappointment? The fear of hurting someone? The loss of a connection?
Whatever it is, negativity can sometimes come from holding on too hard… it doesn’t allow for your hands to be free. Letting go is a freeing thing… freeing you heart and your mind. Why hold on to connections that were what they were and will never be what you think they could have been? Why keep people in your life that couldn’t appreciate whatever it is you have to offer someone? Why keep trying? Why?
The fact is that everyone has their own journeys, their own paths. You intersect sometimes but then continue to run perpendicular without ever intertwining again. You are like strangers in a busy subway, bumping shoulders, making eye contact briefly, and then hustling to get your trains. And these intersections are important – they are what make the framework of life itself.
So here’s to letting go. Letting go of connections, disappointments, whispered words, feelings of vulnerability. Here’s to moving on and learning our lessons of self-worth. Here’s to living.