When I look back in retrospect, despite all the challenges and pain in the last year, all I appreciate is my evolution. My growth. My self-discovery.
A few months ago, I met a gorgeous man. Beautiful, really, in all sense of the word. He had a handsome, sensitively drawn face, dark eyes with depth, the perfect smile, and a contagious laugh. He was intelligent, charismatic, witty, successful. On our second date, we met up at a restaurant by Grand Central Terminal, and afterwards, on the corner of 41st street and Park Ave, he gave me the perfect kiss in the rain. I then went home and called my friend and asked her, “he seems perfect. Seriously, what’s the catch?” She laughed. Maybe there’s not catch this time, she replied.
Then followed a period of happiness, perfection, connection, and just joy. You are incredible, he wrote once. You are a blessing.
Cut to almost two months later. One AM, sitting on his couch, crying my eyes out as he told me that he didn’t see what we had as a relationship. I don’t know what it is, he said. I don’t know what I want. I need more time.
More time for what? I wondered. We seemed so perfect and happy. Sure he wasn’t perfect, but I could live with it. But what I couldn’t live with was knowing that I was giving a relationship effort for everything that walked like a relationship, quacked like a relationship… but wasn’t a relationship. I had no ownership. I had no rights. I was just another girl.
One month later. Still straddling the line of together-but-not. The mind fuck that came with it was too painful – we acted like we were together when we were physically together, but otherwise, he had no obligation to text me, I had no right to ask him “where are you” when it had been hours since I last heard from him. What the fuck was this? How should I act?
I finally wrote him an email telling him that I couldn’t do this gray area anymore. It was too difficult. I needed to know what he wanted.
To which he responded in a thoughtful email, I don’t know what I want. And until i figure that out I shouldn’t be with you or anyone.
Fine, fair enough. I very heavy heartedly go back to trying to date. Two weeks later, during a period we gave ourselves some space, I agree to being friends. I had done a lot of thinking and realized that there were so many things that COULD have been better for me – I was just blind.
That week, the guy pops up on my dating app looking for chicks.
My initial reaction: betrayal. Bewilderment. Hurt. Why? I have no idea. And the frustrating thing of this whole thing is that I realize that I, once again, have no right to feel these things. He said he wasn’t ready. I said fine let’s be friends, I’d rather have him in my life than not at all. So even though he’s not the most fantastic guy, it’s not like he really did anything wrong.
But you know what? I don’t care. I don’t care if I don’t have a right to get upset. The fact of the matter is – I am. And finally, I don’t fucking care if it’s beyond my jurisdiction of feeling. I was sick of being so understanding and forgiving. But even still, it’s my fault.
It’s hard for me to walk unless I’m convinced it’s something I need to do. But finally, I’m telling myself to love myself more. I’m finally telling myself that I deserve so much more than THIS – I deserve to have people in my life who make me happy, not drive me up the wall. I deserve happiness. And I deserve to give that to myself.
So, here’s to another lesson in loving myself. In accepting that sometimes, it’s ok to go a little bat-shit crazy. Because it’s ok to never put up with crap. It’s ok to say what you need. And sometimes – people will just treat you like crap. But just love yourself. Love yourself hard.